


Shifting Sands, Flowing Tides

by Kate04



Category: Major Crimes (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-22
Updated: 2015-07-22
Packaged: 2018-04-10 16:10:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4398593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kate04/pseuds/Kate04
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was a good party until an uninvited guest shows up and drags out things that should have stayed buried in the past. Painful truths come to light that have the power to change things. AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N:** This one is for the best twin anyone could have, the one and only **kadi219** , for spending hours talking about plot and character motivation and generally being an awesome cheerleader.  
> Another big *hug* goes to **lontanissima** , who always has an opinion and for some reason likes me enough to share it with me.  
> Once again, **RockinRobin B** did an awesome beta job, but since I’m greedy, all remaining mistakes are MINE! 
> 
>  
> 
> You know how some things that you read in fan fiction make so much sense that you don’t really remember if they are canon or not? My dear twin is known for creating these things - like Sharon’s father being a judge or Andy’s son being called Charlie, for example. So I shall shamelessly use them in this fic, because they’re awesome, but I want you to know where they came from.
> 
>  
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** This sandbox belongs to James Duff and all the toys are his, too. Just playing with them. I promise to be careful!

>  
> 
> _“There are no wrong turnings. Only paths we had not known we were meant to walk.”_
> 
> ― Guy Gavriel Kay
> 
>  

Sharon stood in the patio door, a six-pack of cold beer in her hands, and studied the lively crowd that was gathered around the large grill on the small strip of beach that belonged to the big house in Santa Monica they currently occupied. It, and the timeshare in Park City, were the two extravagances their parents had allowed in their lives over the years. Her family was very comfortable financially, but they tried not to let it show too much. Apart from official functions her father’s job as a judge required them to attend, they kept out of those _pretentious social circles_ , as he liked to call them. In his opinion, a lot of the moral decay he saw at work every day was due to people putting too much importance on money and material things. Sharon and all her siblings were encouraged to take summer jobs if they were not satisfied with their moderate allowances. Only her little sister had once gotten a raise out of her father, but only because she had volunteered at an animal shelter during her summer vacation.

As thrifty as her parents had been with money, they had been as generous with love and attention. Their house had always been alive with laughter and joy and long, heated debates over dinner. Their mother, while a devoutly catholic wife, had never been shy to voice her opinion or to put their father in his place when she thought he was wrong. There had been passionate fights at times, between her parents, between the children, between parents and children, the Irish temper running hot in all of them, but there had always been love. Those were the memories she associated with that beach house, and they were not limited to her own childhood. Once they had all grown up and started their own families, this house had been there for all of them. The times they all came here together had been few and far between, due to work schedules and the fact that it simply was not big enough for the entire O’Dwyer clan.

When her children had been young, they had spent many weekends at the beach – sometimes just the four of them, sometimes with her parents or some of her siblings and their children, and sometimes with close friends. Sharon had not had a chance to visit in the last several years, as her job had kept her in the city and making the trip out here on her own seemed like too much trouble. While it was only a short drive from her home, a stay required stocking the pantry and cleaning, something she would have to do at home as well, leaving her with twice the work. When they had not been able to find a place that had enough space for their 4th of July party, she had suggested the sizable beach house and everyone had agreed that it would be their best option. 

The original plan had been to spend a quiet day in the mountains, just she and Andy, far away from the noisy crowds of LA. Rusty wanted to go on a short trip to San Francisco with a friend and make a quick stop in Palo Alto on the way home. Ricky and Emily were busy with work and Andy’s children had plans with their mother and stepfather. It was the perfect opportunity for them to sneak away for a little while.

During the last exhausting months of hunting for Stroh and trying to protect Rusty without his knowledge, they had put their personal relationship on hold for the most part, or rather, she had. Andy had been there for her every step of the way, looking out for her, being a friend, a confidante, and a strong shoulder to lean on when it all had gotten too much for her to carry alone. They desperately needed some time to figure out what they wanted to do about this deepening connection between them. To be completely honest, she was pretty sure that they had already made a decision about that, but it would be nice to have some time and privacy to explore that new aspect of their relationship. 

Life had a way of happening in its own way, however. First Andy’s ex-wife and her husband had decided to go on a spontaneous river cruise, leaving Charlie and Nicole and her family without any plans. They had asked Andy if he wanted to join them for the day and he couldn’t decline. Not when his son was finally starting to warm up to him. Sharon had understood and made the call to cancel their reservation. Even though she had been happy for Andy, the thought of spending that day alone had made her a little sad. That was until Nicole insisted she celebrate with them. 

A few days after that, she had been informed by her children that there had been a change in their plans. They would all be in LA over the holiday weekend. Apparently, Nicole had called Rusty, who had called Ricky, who had called Emily and then there had been a conference call and by the time Rusty had finished telling her all about it, she had had a headache. All that did not matter much anyway, because the result was that she got to spend a few days with her family and there really was nothing else she needed to know. 

How her entire team had ended up being included she still did not know. Andy and Lieutenant Provenza had tried to explain it, but after that explanation had deteriorated into one of their bickering matches, she had decided that there were some things she really did not need to know too much about. At first she had been a little skeptical about letting them into her private life like that, but Andy assured her that it would not change the way they saw her at work. She would still be the boss on Monday. They all respected her as their captain, but they also liked her and saw her as a part of the team, which meant the occasional barbeque or ballgame. 

Despite her initial reservations, she realized that it was a good idea to have them over as well. It took some of the tension out of the event. Having all of their children meet for the first time had so much potential to go sideways or, at the very least, result in a lot of awkward silences and uncomfortably stilted conversations. Having people there who were not part of the situation would make things easier for everyone. As it turned out, her concerns had been unnecessary.

Emily and Nicole had instantly liked each other. They had spent most of the afternoon so far in one corner, talking about ballet and admiring the boys when they demonstrated what they had learned. Andy’s son, after some reluctance, had started a conversation with Ricky, Rusty and Lieutenant Tao, with Dean adding the occasional comment. Nicole’s husband looked a little lost, a feeling Sharon could definitely understand. Charlie did something involving computer game developing, if she remembered correctly. If he was talking with her two sons and her Lieutenant it could only mean a lot of technical terms no normal human being would be able to follow. 

Making her way over to the grill, Sharon handed the six pack off to Amy, grinning as she heard her two senior Lieutenants quarrel about the best way to grill a hamburger and about Andy’s expertise in preparing salads and dips and all sorts of delicious dishes – according to the older Lieutenant a direct result of him having become a vegetarian. They really behaved like an old married couple. Provenza and Julio wondered how Andy could feel so comfortable navigating his Captain’s kitchen and how ridiculous he looked with his apron. The consensus seemed to be that it was suspicious when a tough guy like their colleague played housewife and that he should make sure not to make a habit of it or it would no longer impress the girlfriend. 

She was very familiar with Andy’s skills in the kitchen and appreciated them very much. In fact, she could recall several family get-togethers many, many years ago where he had delighted them with his creations and back then he had been a very healthy carnivore. Those old memories did not visit her often, but they always brought mixed feelings, a sense of nostalgia paired with regret and, if she looked closely enough, a little bit of hurt. It was the past, however, and it did not have a place in what she hoped would be a happier future.

Putting her hand between Andy’s shoulder blades, she felt the tension in his muscles relax slightly. He was playing along with their teasing, but she knew that some part of him did not appreciate it. A while ago, he had told her how he wished they would just accept his choice not to eat meat anymore and let it go. It bothered him more than he let on that they kept teasing him about it. Leaning around Andy, her hand still on his back, she smiled sweetly at Lieutenant Provenza and Julio, her voice deceptively cheerful. “Gentlemen, are you saying that the kitchen is a woman’s place? If you think so, we might have to discuss your views on gender equality, because that would imply that you have a problem with your boss being in her office instead of her kitchen most of the day. I am not sure she would appreciate hearing that. Rumor has it, she is very fond of diversity seminars, so I would consider my words more carefully if I were you. You never know who might hear you.” She gave the older Lieutenant a pointed look, making sure he understood that she was only partly joking. 

Provenza simply rolled his eyes and wandered away, grabbing the beer Amy held out for him as he passed. Sharon could not quite hear what he said as he left, only catching _wicked_ and _pet_ and something that sounded like _idiots_ in between his mumbling. She decided that she probably did not want to know. Letting her gaze move towards Julio, one eyebrow lifted, she had to suppress a grin when he just raised his hands in surrender and took a respectful step back. Satisfied with the result, she focused her attention on Andy, putting her free hand on his chest. His eyes sparkled with amusement when he looked down at her, a crooked smile on his face. “That was almost a little mean and I probably should feel sorry for him, but the expression on his face was too funny.” 

Sharon hummed happily when one of his arms came around her, his hand gently resting on her hip. There was a question in his eyes that she answered by briefly snuggling into his side. If they wanted to move forward with their relationship, she had no intention of hiding it from anyone. She liked to keep her personal business private, but they were among family and she saw no reason to pretend that they did not care deeply for one another. Their children already thought they were dating anyway. As for the team, they spent their days figuring out other people’s secrets. It would only be a matter of time until they found out. Their little celebration allowed them some control over how that happened.

As it turned out, no one cared. If they noticed that something was different, it was not commented on, and with every passing hour Sharon felt herself relax more and more. She simply enjoyed having all of her children with her and seeing them get along so well with Andy’s kids. Her team fit in seamlessly, talking, joking, and laughing as if they had always been one big family. She was glad to see that Charlie seemed to have overcome is initial awkwardness. He and Rusty listened with rapt attention as Julio and Mike entertained them with stories about Andy and Lieutenant Provenza.

Rusty probably knew most of them already, but he had apparently appointed himself Charlie’s buffer, since Nicole was busy helping Emily tire out the boys. He knew how uncomfortable it could feel to be tossed into a large group of unfamiliar people and he also understood some of the issues Charlie had with his father. She was so proud of him for helping when he could just as easily have joined his brother. Ricky had found Buzz and they sat on the steps of the porch, no doubt talking about computers. Sometimes she wondered about that boy of hers. She would never say anything of course, but she wished he would show some interest in something else, like dating for example. 

With a fresh pitcher of homemade lemonade in hand, Sharon joined Cathy, Patrice, Amy and Lieutenant Cooper, who were discussing different restaurants in LA. The young detective was in the middle of telling a particularly amusing story about a place they had gone to for one of their earlier dates. It involved a very inexperienced waitress, a mouse and a glass of red wine. Sharon’s body shook with laughter, her sides already aching, when Amy and Cooper took turns describing how the poor young woman had almost jumped into the Lieutenant’s lap to get away from the tiny rodent. 

“What the hell?” Andy’s angry voice made her whip around, her laughter dying instantly. It took a moment for her to spot the reason for his sudden irritation and when she did, her stomach twisted into a knot. _Jack_.

She saw the signs right away, the glassy, unfocused eyes, the slightly unsteady gait and the arrogant expression on his face. He was drunk. Closing her eyes, Sharon took a deep breath, seeking the strength she would need to deal with him. Once she opened them again, she looked at Andy, shaking her head slightly to let him know that she did not need him to rescue her. As much as she would like to let him take care of that situation for her, it would only complicate things further. Stepping towards their unwanted visitor, she folded her arms across her chest, glaring at him as he smiled at her happily, as if he had no idea how much his presence annoyed her. “Jack, what are you doing here?” She did not know how many times she had asked this very question and that fact alone made anger boil inside her. Why did he have to keep doing this to her? 

“Sharon,” he drawled, pronouncing her name the way he knew she hated. “When the kids told me you were having a family barbeque at the beach I was a little hurt that you didn’t invite me. So I thought I’d just pop by and surprise you. I must say your idea of family is a little strange these days.” 

One would think that at some point during the more than three decades she had known Jack Raydor she would have learned not to be surprised by his behaviour, but she obviously still had some work to do on that. She cast a quick glance to where her children had drawn closer and she noticed the guilty look on Emily’s face, giving her a good idea who had talked to Jack about their party. Of course, she could not blame her. She was glad that she tried to continue the relationship with her father and she had probably thought he would have more sense than to show up here. She would talk to her later and make sure that knew she was not responsible for her father’s unacceptable conduct. First she had to get him to leave, however. 

“I don’t know what gave you the idea that _anyone_ would be interested in your opinion on who I celebrate this holiday with. The fact that I did not invite you should have been indication enough that you are _not_ welcome here. I want you to go. _Now_!” 

Her voice had dropped to a very low, deceptively calm tone and to those who did not know her it probably sounded as if the situation did not affect her. As Andy looked at the men beside him, however, he noticed that they flinched slightly at the tone they all associated with trouble. They had all stepped towards their captain, flanking her and making sure the kids, Cathy and Patrice were shielded from whatever was going to happen. No one expected any kind of violence, Sharon had left her weapon at home, after all. But they were worried they’d witness her make a grown man cry. He had brought the children into it and that was the one thing Sharon would never tolerate. If he did not despise the man so much, Andy might feel sorry for him, but whatever he had coming was well deserved.

“Oh come on, Sharon. It’s the Fourth of July. You can’t seriously want me to drive all the way back downtown and spend the day alone. It’s not fair that you get the kids all to yourself.” Sharon shook her head, the red hot anger slowly fading away, leaving only a familiar feeling of irritation and pity behind. When had the man she used to love so fiercely turned into such a pathetic person? In the past, she would have let her compassionate nature overrule her sense of self-preservation. She would have given in to his wheedling eventually, letting him have his way for the sake of keeping the peace. That was a habit she had vowed to break the moment she had signed the divorce papers, and she was determined to make him understand that. 

“No Jack. You do not get to barge into this private celebration and accuse me of shutting you out of your children’s lives. _You_ did that. _You_ walked away from this family, so do _not_ come back now and blame _me_ for not being part of it anymore. Richard and Emily are old enough to decide where and with whom they want to spend their time. They will have to determine what kind of relationship they want to have with you. That is none of my business anymore. I already spent too much time trying to facilitate that. I am done, Jack. You have no place in my life anymore and it is time that you understand that.” 

For a brief moment, she saw hurt flash in his eyes, but it was immediately replaced by anger, the nasty way his lips curled was only too familiar. He would not give up easily. His claws were out and he would try his best to draw blood. It was usually what happened when he was drunk. Not once, in the long years she had known him, had Jack raised a hand against her in anger. He did not need to; his ability to hurt her with words was more than adequate, even though she had gotten better at not letting him get to her. What concerned her much more were all the people around them. Having her friends and family witness a drawn-out fight with her ex-husband was not her idea of an acceptable party activity. She hated having her private problems dragged out for everyone to see and Jack would regret forcing that onto her. 

“Yes, you made that perfectly clear when you filed for divorce without even talking to me about it. It’s always about what _you_ want and what _you_ find acceptable. I’m done…” Andy did not let him finish. Sharon would probably not appreciate that he got involved, but he also knew that she would not want to have a fight with Jack in front of her team and the kids. If he could prevent that, he would gladly let her be annoyed with him. “I think you heard her, Jack. It’s time for you to go.” It was a struggle to keep his temper in check, but neither his nor Sharon’s children should have to witness him yelling at the other man. The issues he had with Jack Raydor were in the past and, although he might not be over it, he would not stoop to the same level and get into those in public. 

Jack turned slowly to face him, a fake smile creeping over his face as he studied Andy thoroughly. Then he let his gaze wander back and forth between him and Sharon, the wheels obviously turning inside his head. Raydor’s eyes narrowed as he fixed his gaze on Andy again. “Andy, my friend. It’s so good to see you. I guess it’s true then. You are sleeping with my wife. Is that your way of paying me back for fucking Amanda all those years ago? If it is, let me tell you that I got the better end of the deal.” 

Andy did not think. White hot rage filled him, his muscles reacting long before his mind had a chance to catch up. He had expected Jack to say something stupid, he always did, but he had thought him to have more sense than to bring _that_ up. He almost had his hands on the other man, his right fist already clenching in anticipation. He hungered for it to connect with the strong bone of Jack’s jaw, to feel his nose give under the force of the blow. Before he could satisfy this primal need to punish his rival, strong hands closed around his upper arms from behind, dragging him back and holding him despite his best attempts at breaking free.

Louie grunted as his partner’s elbow caught him in the side. The idiot was hell-bent on killing Jack Raydor and he was not entirely sure why he should not let him. Since he did not feel like spending the rest of the day with FID, he settled for the second best option. “Julio, would you please take the garbage out? Amy, make sure Mr. Raydor doesn’t stub his toe while he’s waiting for his cab.” He nodded at the young woman, letting her know that he expected her to make sure Julio was not unnecessarily rough. The last thing they needed was Raydor filing charges against Sanchez. That would probably be the end of his career and, as much as he personally would like to see the asshole bleed, he was not worth the trouble.

When the two detectives escorted Jack around the front of the house, Andy slowly started to calm down enough for them to let him go. They did so reluctantly, keeping a close eye on him in case he decided to finish what he had started. With his hand still on Andy’s shoulder, Louie felt the tension run through his body, the backyard eerily quiet apart from the younger man’s ragged breathing and the distant sound of the waves. No one dared to speak or move, all eyes on the Captain and her Lieutenant. While Andy was practically vibrating with energy, full of barely suppressed rage, every single emotion clearly visible on his face and in the way he held himself, the Captain was completely still, her face a mask, hiding whatever was going on inside her.

Jack’s words were like a physical blow, leaving her breathless, her heartbeat almost deafening inside her head. She could not move. People were yelling and moving around her, but it was merely white noise. She was not part of it. Her thoughts held her hostage, trapping her inside a bubble of anguish and old memories, of betrayal and chances not taken. Too many things went through her head at once, refusing to let her explore them.

One thought, however, kept returning; the image of her husband wrapped around Amanda Flynn in a passionate embrace stood before her inner eye with disturbing clarity, making her stomach roll in disgust. While she had worked night shifts and spent her days taking care of their daughter, her husband had cheated on her. And as if that wasn’t enough, he had slept with her best friend’s wife. She had trusted him. She had trusted _them_. How much time had the four of them spent together? How often had Emily and Charlie played together while their mothers had shared a cup of tea? How often had she sent Jack to pick up or drop off their daughter at their friends’ house when Amanda had watched her? Her heart clenched painfully inside her chest as she thought about all those opportunities she had given them and the one opportunity she had walked away from. Would her life have been different if she had known? How had she not known? 

“Mom? Are you all right?” Her daughter’s soft, concerned voice reached her through the fog, a gentle hand on her shoulder drawing her back to the present. She instantly felt the concerned eyes of everyone on her. No one spoke. They all just stared in shocked silence. Everyone but Andy. She saw her own pain reflected in his eyes and it was more than she could take. She could not breathe. The need to get away from all those prying eyes was almost overwhelming, making her legs tremble, her knees close to buckling as her head started spinning. Stepping away from Emily, she turned towards the beach and started walking, her whispered apology to the others almost lost on the soft breeze. 

“Mom…” Emily sounded like she was about to cry as she started to go after her. Rusty stopped her with a hand on her arm, shaking his head when she gave him a confused look. “Let her go. Give her some time.” She was about to protest, but Ricky appeared on her other side, a troubled expression on his face as he studied the retreating form of their mother. “Rusty’s right, Em. Mom won’t want us to see her like that.” They all knew what he meant by _like that_. It was something he and Sharon had in common; they did not cry in front of people.

Rusty was not surprised when Flynn walked past them and followed her down to the water. The Lieutenant was probably the only person she would not mind having around at the moment and he was sure they had some things to talk about after what Jack had just sprung on everyone. Rusty had been aware that the guy was a bit of a jerk, but he had not expected him to be such an asshole. It did explain a lot though, about the way Sharon had understood his problems with his biological mother and how much she had hurt him. Sharon had always told him that those painful words were not about him, that they did not mean she did not love him. Sharon had taught him that it was the addiction talking, not his mother. He had known on some level that Sharon must have experienced similar things with Jack, but he had not realized just how bad that had been. A small part of him wished that Flynn had gotten his hands on the asshole, a fact he would definitely not share with Sharon.

“Come one, guys. Let’s tidy up and go. We should give the family some privacy.” It was Patrice who shook them out of their state of shock, her voice carrying a note of authority that made it easy to imagine her as a nurse. She took charge of the cleaning operation, delegating tasks and making sure the place looked spotless in the space of no more than half an hour. The woman was scary in her bossiness, but Rusty supposed that she would need to be if she wanted to survive a relationship with Lieutenant Provenza. 

Once everything was the way they had found it earlier that day, the team got their things together and started to leave. The old Lieutenant took Rusty aside, reassuring him that Sharon and Andy would be all right and making him promise that he would call if they needed anything. And then they were gone, leaving the “family” behind in an uncomfortable silence. 

Dean was the first to move, offering to take the boys home and put them to bed. They had already collapsed a while ago, exhausted from running around all day, and were asleep in one of the beds upstairs. It was getting late, however, and the way things looked it would be a while until they could resolve this problem. Besides, the topics that would have to be discussed were not exactly suitable for those little ears. As much as Dean wanted to support his wife during this difficult situation, the couple agreed that he should take care of the children.

Rusty wished he could get away with the same excuse that got the youngest members of their family out of this mess, because he was convinced that things would be mentioned _he_ was definitely not old enough to hear either. Instead, he watched Nicole bid her husband and children goodbye and longingly followed the dark SUV with his eyes as it retreated down the road. Being a family was not always easy, but sticking together when things got tough was part of the deal and walking out was not an option.

There they were five adults, not quite strangers, almost family, bound together by the love of two people and a sense of broken trust and broken hearts. Not one of them knew what to say. Awkward did not even begin to describe the situation.

 

**\- TBC -**


	2. Chapter 2

 

Andy walked down to the beach and along the water, his pace unhurried. She would not go too far and it would probably not hurt to give her a few minutes to digest the news. His hands curled into tight fists once again as he recalled the cruel words Jack had hurled at him and he wished Provenza had let him punch the idiot in the face a few times. His anger had its root, not so much in his own broken heart, as in the anguish he had seen in Sharon’s eyes. He had known for more than two decades and had come to terms with it. For Sharon it was news, even though it had happened years ago. He had hoped to spare her the pain; she was never supposed to find out. Now that she had, they would have to talk about it and he would have to explain why he had kept it from her. What would happen with their relationship afterwards he did not know, and the thought of losing her once again made his stomach heavy with dread. 

He had walked a few minutes when he found one of her shoes abandoned in the sand, the other one several yards farther down the beach. Picking them up, he wandered along the edge of the water, his eyes on the lone figure he spotted in the distance. When he came closer, Andy sighed in resignation, dropping her sandals and shedding his own shoes and socks, leaving them next to hers. With a shake of his head and a deep breath, he waded into the cold water to join her. As he approached, Andy studied her, standing motionless in the ocean, fully clothed, the waves lapping around her hips, begging her to come closer, to give herself over to their siren call, but for the moment she seemed content to ignore their beckoning. Her eyes were on the horizon and he would have thought her completely at peace, had it not been for the silent tears that ran down her cheeks, a strong and steady flood of salt water like the one surrounding her. Sharon Raydor broke quietly. She shattered with grace and dignity and witnessing it ripped his heart apart. 

Standing beside her, close enough that their arms touched, he stared into the distance as well. He wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around her and hold her close, to shelter her from the harsh reality, but he knew she would not let him. All he could do was wait for her to break the silence, to ask the questions he knew she was burning to get answered. When she did, he almost did not hear her quiet words over the sound of the waves. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Of all the questions that had been running through her head in the last fifteen minutes, that was the most pressing one. For some strange reason the fact that Andy had known about that affair and kept it from her hurt more than the affair itself. She could not look at him, her own pain more than she could handle. “He came back to you and you seemed to be okay. The truth would only have ruined that. You loved him so much. I didn’t want to hurt you.” 

Sharon closed her eyes in a hopeless attempt to stem the fresh flow of tears. He sounded so wounded, so desperate and she wished she had something to offer him to take his pain away, but all she had was more pain to add to his. Blindly searching for his hand, she clasped it in hers, lacing her fingers through his. It was not much, but it was all there was to give.

“How long?” There was no need to elaborate. He knew what she wanted to know. He had wondered about that for more than twenty years and still had no answer. “I don’t know when it started, but I can tell you when it ended.” At her faint nod he continued. “Do you remember the Michaels case in ‘86?” Of course she remembered. It was one of those cases that could not be forgotten. Samuel Michaels had brutally killed his pregnant wife and two young children. After they had chased him around town for a day and a half, he had shot himself in the head. 

“Yes, I remember.” The case was not everything she recalled of that time. It had been their first really tough case and they had decided to have a drink before heading home or, in her case, a cup of tea. It had been late afternoon, leaving them several hours before they were expected by their spouses. They had known each other since her first few weeks on patrol and they had become friends pretty much from the start. Andy also knew Jack, having shared a few drinks with the other man. Before long, they had developed a solid friendship between the four of them, Andy’s wife Amanda completing their odd little group. Sharon and Amanda had become pregnant the same year. Emily was born only seven months after Charlie. Being parents had only drawn them closer together, experiences and babysitting duty shared among them as often as possible. That night, things between them had changed, however.

 

_When they had finished their drinks, Andy helped her into her coat, his hand landing on the small of her back as they moved through the crowded bar towards the exit. The evening air was refreshing, if not especially cold, but it was a welcome change from the stuffy, smoke-filled bar. Taking a deep breath, she stopped and turned towards him, giving him an uncertain look. “Would you mind taking a walk? I could use some fresh air.” That was only partly true and his narrow-eyed stare told her that he was aware of that.  
_

_They walked in silence for a while, their thoughts still on their latest case. What they had encountered at the crime scene would probably stay with them forever. And yet, Sharon had something else on her mind as well. It had bothered her for a while now and she desperately needed someone else’s perspective. Putting her concerns into words was harder than she had anticipated, however. In the end, she decided to just blurt it out. “Do you think I’m unattractive?”  
_

_His startled cough and the owlish blink that followed made her laugh despite her embarrassment. “Why would you even ask that?” he croaked, coughing again to clear his voice. She shrugged, her eyes firmly on the ground in front of her. “I don’t know. It’s just that Jack… you know… he doesn’t really seem all that interested anymore. I mean, it’s not as if it doesn’t happen at all. Just not very often and it feels a little bit as if it were a chore for him. And I guess a lot of it is because of my work hours. Most nights I’m at work and during the day there’s Emily and housework and grocery shopping and cooking. What little time I have in between I usually spend sleeping. All that kind of kills the passion, I guess, but it’s not just that. He doesn’t really look at me anymore. I know that I put on some weight when I had Emily and things aren’t as tight as they used to be.” She shrugged again, her face warm with shame at her uncharacteristic rambling.  
_

_He grabbed her hand, wrapping it in his and pulling her around to face him, effectively stopping them both. “Okay, listen to me. In no way whatsoever are you unattractive, do you hear me?” His free hand brushed a stubborn strand of hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear, his fingers gently caressing her cheek as he stared into her eyes. She was unable to look away, completely caught in the spell he was casting over her with his intense gaze, his deep, rumbling voice and his tender touch. He placed a soft kiss on her forehead, letting his lips linger close to her skin, his breath feathering over it with every word as he went on.  
_

_“You’re beautiful.”_

_A kiss on her left cheek.  
_

_“You’re kind.”  
_

_Another one on her right cheek.  
_

_“You’re brave.”  
_

_His lips on her right ear sent a pleasant shiver through her._

_“You’re funny.”  
_

_A brief flick of his tongue against her pulse point drew a moan from her and her arms slipped around his neck._

_“You’re incredibly sensual.”_

_This time, his lips brushed against the corner of her mouth and it was her undoing. Turning her head slightly, she captured his lips with hers, her tongue teasing slightly until he groaned his surrender. What had started tender and shy soon turned into a passionate battle for dominance, neither willing to give in as tongues caressed and explored and teeth nipped. She buried her hands in his hair, nails scraping over his scalp in an attempt to pull him closer. His fingers wandered along her spine, all the way down to the small of her back and then even lower, cupping her firm cheeks in both hands and drawing her against him. She felt him hot and ready, grinding into the soft pillow of her belly and it sent sparks of desire through her veins. How long had it been since someone had wanted her like that? How long since Jack had last looked at her with that kind of passion and longing in his eyes?  
_

_Sharon was not blind. She had noticed how handsome Andy was and she had occasionally wondered what it would be like to feel his large, strong hands on her, but it was never more than a silly fantasy, something to entertain her for a brief second when she was lonely. To have that fantasy come alive against her, underneath her eager lips and hands, was so much more than she could ever have imagined. It was like a drug and she did not know if she would be able to stop. How could she, when it felt so good, so right? It was more than pure lust, more than pent up frustration and the lingering scent of death from their case.  
_

_Over the last several years they had built a solid friendship. There was shared joy and laughter, memories and pain, endless nights of breaking up brawls and picking up drunks, of poring over evidence and celebrating victories, there was trust and affection and maybe somewhere along the line it had merged into something deeper, something they had refused to even consider because it was forbidden. Until he kissed her – or she kissed him.  
_

_All those carefully hidden somethings suddenly broke free, washing over them like a spring tide, pulling them along and throwing them about. She felt helpless in the unexpected flood of desire, the fierce need to merge her body with his, to lose herself in him and watch him come apart in the safety of her arms. It was the sensation of his hands caressing her breasts, the sudden, overwhelming hunger for skin on skin that broke her out of her haze.  
_

_Pulling out of the kiss, she rested her forehead against his chin, her hands clasping his and trapping them between their bodies. She struggled to regain her breath, tears burning behind her closed lids as she gathered the courage to say what they both needed to hear. “Andy, we can’t,” she whispered, choking on the words. “We’re married. It wouldn’t be right.”  
_

_His fingers tightened around hers and she felt a tremor run through him. He sounded terribly sad, almost hopeless and it made her heart clench painfully. “Then why does it feel so perfect? Why is this, here in your arms, the most at home I’ve felt in months if it’s not meant to be? I don’t think I can stop wanting you.”_

_A soft sob shook her slight frame as she lost the battle against her tears and she wrapped her arms around him, pulling him close as if holding on to him would save her from drowning in despair. “I know, but we have to try. I love him, Andy.” It sounded like an apology, like she was trying to convince herself as much as him. They held each other for a long time, neither willing to let go. She knew things between them would never be the same. She wanted to believe that they could go back to being friends, but that was naïve. How would she ever be able to look at him again and not think about his hands in her hair and the taste of his lips on hers?_

_Eventually, she stepped away, one hand resting over his heart and her eyes locked with his. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, but she did not care, hardly noticed them at all. They were a mere afterthought, irrelevant background noise to the discordant symphony of breaking hearts. How had she not noticed before what he had come to mean to her? How had she missed this? But those questions where unimportant as well. Nothing good would come of dwelling on the impossible. They were married and they had children to think about. And it was not just Emily anymore._

_Andy tried to pull her back into his embrace, his own eyes shining with unshed tears as he shook his head in denial. “I don’t want to lose you, Sharon.” He sounded so lost and her chest ached with what she had to do to him, to them. She wanted nothing more than to give in, to grab his hand and run, and she would probably do it if it were just Jack waiting for her at home._

_She forced herself to look at him, to witness the moment she shattered his last bit of hope, refusing to hide from it. “I’m sorry Andy, but I have to think about my children. They need their father.” She saw his eyes dim with understanding, but they both needed her to say it, to put it out there to make absolutely clear why what they wanted was unattainable. “I’m pregnant,” she whispered, her voice hitching as she saw his eyes close, moisture clinging to his lashes. He nodded, took a deep, shuddering breath and stepped away from her, letting his arms fall to his sides, his shoulders slumped._

_  
_

_He would not look at her again, his head tilted back as if he was listening to the stars for some kind of wisdom. Touching her hand to the spot over his heart, gentle and lingering, she thought that a considerable part of her would probably always reside in that place, just as she would take part of him away with her. Then she turned around and walked away, towards home, towards her husband and daughter, towards what should be, leaving her could-have-beens behind.  
_

Yes, Sharon still remembered that day. She had never been the kind of person who dwelled on decisions once she had made them, but over the years she had found herself wondering from time to time. Where would she be now if she had not walked away from him that night? How would their lives have played out if they had decided to go with their hearts? 

What she had told him that night had been true. She had loved Jack. She had loved him deeply, despite the fact that there had been rough patches and even later when he had left her for a bottle, a game of cards and a cheap woman. And yet, she had often thought back to that night when she could have changed her life – possibly for the better – and it made her feel guilty. She had kissed another man once and she had spent the better part of three decades feeling bad for wanting something that she could not have. She had let Jack come back to her countless times over the years, had forgiven him things that should have been unforgivable. And for what? Had it all been a lie? Had she clung to something that was not worth keeping? 

Sharon felt a gentle tug on her hand and when she turned to look at the man next to her, he took a step towards the shore, raising a questioning eyebrow. Reluctantly, she followed him out of the water. He was right; they should have that talk on dry land, where they did not have to fight for their balance with every wave that hit them. Once they made it to the beach, he pulled her against his side, and when she gratefully snuggled into his warmth, he put an arm around her shoulders to draw her even closer. “Are you okay for a little longer or would you like to head back to the house to put on some dry clothes?” he asked, his breath stirring her hair with every word. 

The thought of returning to the backyard filled with people and face questions she still had to lean the answers to made her throat close up with anxiety. The house was the last place she wanted to be at that moment. Even as the sun was beginning to set, the air was still warm and Andy’s solid presence beside her helped ward off the gentle breeze. 

“I would rather walk a bit, if you don’t mind. I need to understand this, Andy. What happened and why did you never tell me?” She needed more than _I didn’t want to hurt you_. She needed him to walk her through it, tell her every single detail. Why she felt this urge to delve into something that happened so long ago and that would only open old wounds, she could not explain. 

Next to her, Andy heaved a resigned sigh, his hand moving up and down her arm as they strolled along the edge of the water away from the house. “When I came home that night, he was there. While we were deciding to ignore what we wanted so much, your husband was sleeping with my wife.”

 

_Andy had driven around for a little while, trying desperately to forget the way her lips had felt moving against his, how their bodies had fit together so perfectly, how she had moaned her pleasure into his mouth. Of course, that would never happen. The best he could hope for was to push all those raw emotions into a remote corner of his heart and try to keep them there. Sharon had been right to remind them of their marriages and their children and just as she loved Jack despite the problems they might have, he loved Amanda.  
_

_Being married was hard work, especially with a small child and a job with such unpredictable hours as his. Amanda had to deal with a lot of stuff on her own and her frustration with that situation only made him wish to stay away more. He realized that it was unfair of him, but being at work and spending time with Sharon was so much easier. She understood why he loved his job, she did not question the long hours he put in, and she got it when a case stayed with him long after they had put the dirt bag away. It did not hurt that she was easy on the eyes, truly beautiful without having to try. She wore little makeup, her hair usually tied into a practical bun at the back of her head, her clothes simple but elegant. And yet, he had a hard time not staring at her lately. It only made him aware of how little he noticed his wife these days._

_Amanda was just as beautiful as Sharon, but in a vastly different way. Where Sharon, while slender, had retained some of those luscious curves pregnancy had brought, Amanda was tall and thin, having worked off her baby weight right away. Before she had married him, she had worked as a model while trying to get work as an actress. Then she had become pregnant and things had changed, her dreams had been put on hold. She still spent a lot of time on her appearance and sometimes he felt that she was trying too hard. He wished she would just be herself, but whenever he suggested that, she became defensive and, while not outright saying it, he always got the feeling that she blamed him for the way her life had turned out. Things had not been the same between them for a while now and he knew that they needed to do something about it before they lost each other._

_What he had not expected was to be faced with just how bad things were upon walking into his house. It was 7:34 in the evening when he dropped his keys onto the hallway table and wandered into the open living room. He knew the exact time, because movement had drawn his gaze to the wall next to the stairs where, in front of the large, hideous grandfather clock, his wife and Jack Raydor had been wrapped in a passionate embrace.  
_

_The situation could not have been more obvious if they had both been naked. Amanda wore nothing but her dark blue silk dressing gown, her skin still glowing with residual arousal and her voice low and languid in that way he was all too familiar with from hours spent in bed with her. Jack was fully dressed and looked like he was on the way out.  
_

_For a long moment, Andy stood rooted to the spot, unable to move or speak as he watched their passion ebb away slowly, giving way to tender kisses and gentle caresses and softly whispered words. He could not figure out what to think or what to feel; he simply stared at them wordlessly as what remained of his heart crumbled away bit by bit. Too many emotions tumbled around inside him, but one stood out and he seized it, holding on to it as if it were a lifeline. Anger. It burned hot inside him, chasing away the lingering feeling of his partner’s body against his and he welcomed it. His voice filled the large room, echoing off the walls and causing the two lovers to jump apart, shocked expressions on their faces._

_“What the hell is going on here?” he bellowed, closing the distance between he and Jack. He towered over the shorter man and glared at him, wanting to kill him or at the very least drive his fist into the other man’s face. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Amanda wrapping her robe around herself tightly, arms crossed in front of her. She was scared of him or of what he might do to her lover and part of him derived some perverse sense of satisfaction from it. Grabbing Jack’s arm, he whirled him around and dragged him towards the hallway, where he pushed him against the wall, one arm across his throat. Somewhere in the background he heard Amanda’s pleading voice, but he ignored it, too focused on the fear he saw in Jack’s eyes.  
_

_It was not Amanda’s words, begging him to be reasonable, nor any kind of common sense that kept him from beating Raydor up, but rather the memory of the sad, resigned expression on Sharon’s face when she had told him that she loved her husband only a couple of hours before. Letting some of the tension flow out of his body with a deep sigh, Andy removed his arm from across the man’s throat, holding him by the shoulders instead and giving him a hard shake.  
_

_“You’re an idiot, Jack. Do you have any idea what you’re throwing away? For some reason that I’ll never understand, your wife loves you and you have nothing better to do than to cheat on her. It’s time you pulled your head out of your ass and were the man she deserves. She needs you at home, now more than ever.”  
_

_Saying those words hurt more than he would have thought possible. He wanted nothing more than for her to need_ him _, but that would never happen. A small, traitorous voice inside his head suggested that she might, if he told her what he had witnessed. She would tell Jack to pack his bags and leave and then she would turn to him for the love and comfort she craved. He would be only too happy to take care of her. The problem was that it was merely a fantasy. She would probably forgive Jack and take him back, if only for her children’s sake. All it would do was hurt her feelings and leave her heartbroken. No matter how much he longed to be with her, that was a price he was unwilling to pay. The best he could do was try and make Jack go back to her.  
_

_“She’s pregnant, Jack. You can’t do this to her.” His voice was quiet, resigned as every fiber of his being fought against the notion that she might need her husband and not him. He watched Jack’s eyes widen in surprise before they closed briefly. He nodded his understanding and, when Andy let go of him, he straightened himself and walked out of the door. After a moment of hesitation, Andy followed him, some of the rage bubbling back to the surface as he pulled the other man around once more just as he was about to head down the driveway. Jack glared at him, trying to shrug his hands off as he snapped at him. “What do you want now, Flynn?”_

_Andy ignored the annoyed tone, glaring at Raydor, his voice low and threatening. “If I see you so much as glance at Amanda or any other woman again, I’m gonna make you regret it. Now get out of my sight.” Pushing him away, Andy turned around, ignoring Jack’s curse as he stumbled, barely keeping from falling.  
_

_When he came back inside and slammed the door behind him, Amanda jumped where she stood in the hallway. She was crying, hugging herself and looking helpless and devastated. He saw her hand reach out to him as he passed by on his way upstairs, her teary eyes begging him to wait, to listen, to understand. A shake of his head stopped whatever she was about to say and she let her arm drop to her side.  
_

_“I can’t listen to this right now, Amanda.” He had to get out of there, out of the house in which his wife had slept with another man. The thought of what had happened in his own bed made his stomach turn. How often had he come to it, resting his exhausted body where only hours before Jack had screwed his wife?_

_The sheets were rumpled, the covers in danger of slipping to the ground, and the open window did little to disperse the heavy smell of sex. Swallowing hard against the bile rising in his throat, Andy yanked an overnight bag out of the bottom of the closet and carelessly tossed things into it. He barely stopped to check if he had everything he needed before he closed the zipper and left the room in a hurry.  
_

_At the bottom of the stairs, Amanda was waiting for him, still crying but appearing more in control of her emotions than before, more determined to make him listen. Could she not understand that hearing her explanations, her justifications was the last thing he wanted at that moment?  
_

_“Andy, please let me explain. It’s not… I didn’t mean to…” She could not seem to find the right words and it was all right with him. He did not want her words.  
_

_Shrugging off the hand she had placed on his arm in an attempt to stop him, he turned towards her, trying but failing to look into her eyes. “You slept with another man in my house. I don’t think there is anything to explain about that.” He spoke quietly, resignedly, pain dripping from every single word. His anger had slipped away at some point, leaving him feeling tired and forlorn. All he wanted to do was get away from her and from this house and from all that he had lost that day and find solace at the bottom of a bottle of bourbon._

_“You can’t just leave like that. We need you here. Think about Charlie. He needs his father.” She had grabbed hold of his arm once again, clinging to him with both hands, her voice desperate as she begged him to stay. With a tug that was probably harder than necessary, he broke free of her once again and stepped back to put some distance between them. He simply could not stand her touch. “You should’ve thought about that before you screwed another man. And not just some random guy, but our friend,” he yelled, closing his eyes as he saw her flinch. He took a deep, calming breath before he went on, trying to sound reassuring. “I can’t do this right now. I need some time to think and figure out how I’m feeling about all this. You gotta give me a few days, okay? I’ll call you.”  
_

_Adjusting the strap of his bag that was beginning to slip off his shoulder, he walked away, refusing to look back when he heard Amanda’s sobs behind him. He could not help her. She would have to find a way to deal with her broken heart on her own while he tried to figure out how to deal with his.  
_

 

“I stayed in a motel for a couple of weeks. It was a tiny, dirty old hole on the verge of collapse and it fit my mood perfectly. I took a few days off, spent them in some bar, getting drunk. I don’t think I sobered up for about a week. When I had to go back to work, I just went through the motions for a long time, moving between work, the bar and my bed. 

Then, one morning, Amanda stood in front of my door, crying. It was early and I had a terrible hangover and I really didn’t want to listen to her, but she looked so scared. I couldn’t send her away.” 

Sharon felt the quiet rumble of his voice underneath her cheek where it rested against his chest. He sounded calm, but underneath that, she heard the pain that still lingered even decades later. She wished she could take it away, that she could have spared him the broken heart or at the very least helped him through it, shared it with him. Instead, she tightened her arms around his waist as they walked and listened, crying silent tears for him, for her, and for what they could have had. 

“She had found out that she was pregnant and she didn’t know what to do. When she told me… I don’t think I’ve ever been that angry before. I wanted to yell at her, to shake her, to toss her out and tell her to never come back, and most of all I wanted to kill Jack. In the end, I couldn’t do either. She was my wife and she needed me. I mean, it wasn’t as if I had been a saint. She might have had an affair with my best friend’s husband, but the only reason I wasn’t in the same boat was because the woman I wanted had more sense than to betray her vows. How could I have judged her actions when I had been prepared to do the same, when part of my heartache was because I _couldn’t_ cheat on my wife? So I went home with her and I did my best to be the man she needed. We made it work for a while, but there was too much hurt between us and not enough trust to work through it.” He paused for a long moment, his eyes fixed on some point in the distance, the twilight not enough to hide the haunted look in them.                      

“That night, Jack took two women from me. I know you never really were mine, but I wanted you. I was falling in love with you, but you chose him. I loved Amanda, but she never really understood me. She couldn’t truly accept me for who I was and after that night things only got worse. We tried. I tried to forgive her, but I couldn’t. I simply couldn’t forget. Every time I looked at my beautiful little girl and saw a small spark of him in her smile or the twinkling of her eyes, it all came back. So I drank until I couldn’t remember and I worked to forget how good that oblivion felt and at some point Amanda couldn’t stand the sight of me anymore and she tossed me out.” 

The irony of his situation was not lost on him. Two men, both alcoholics with a weakness for a woman that was not theirs – so similar and yet so different. For some reason Jack had always landed on his feet. For years and years he had come and gone, drinking, gambling, sleeping around, only sobering up when he wanted something from his wife. She had always taken him back, given him chance after chance, trying hard to hold her family together and make sure her children did not see what kind of man their father was. Andy would have given anything for just one more chance like that, but he had not gotten it. Maybe it would not have changed anything either way, but he would have tried his best to at least be the father their children deserved. 

Realization hit her like a punch in the stomach as his words slowly sank in. She stopped in her tracks, pushing him away from her and turning her back towards him. Breathing was almost impossible with the weight that was settling on her chest. Closing her eyes, she tilted her head back, turning her face towards the sky, her arms wrapped tightly around herself in an attempt to keep herself from falling apart.

“No…no… please, no!” she whimpered, pleading with whoever might listen that it was not true, that it was a mistake, even though it all made sense, way too much sense. She did not want to believe that the beautiful young woman she had gotten to know over the last two years was her husband’s illegitimate daughter. 

She had felt drawn to Nicole from the start, feeling a strange connection to her that she had not been able to explain at the time. Now she understood, could see the resemblance between Nicole and her own daughter. It was in the carefree smile and the happily sparkling eyes and the easy way in which they approached people and she wished she could go back to being oblivious.

In the grand scheme of things, considering that her husband had had an affair with the wife of her partner and best friend, a friend she had fallen in love with almost thirty years ago, the fact that that affair had produced a child did not really matter. Not after all this time, not when that child was a grown woman with a family of her own and no idea how she had come into this world. It changed nothing and yet, everything felt different all of a sudden. Why did all this hurt so much when her marriage was over and had been for a long time, even if it had still existed on paper until a year ago, when she was finally ready to move on with a man who had been in her heart for decades? 

She felt him behind her, heat radiating off him and seeping through her clothes, warming her back even before he touched her. Placing his hands on her upper arms, he pulled her back until she leaned against his chest, before his arms slipped around her, holding her tightly. His chin rested on her shoulder and she tilted her head to the side slightly to brush her cheek against his. “What did we do, Andy?” she whispered, her voice heavy with sadness and regret.

Sharon knew that her life had not been ideal, that things had not turned out the way she had expected. It had been hard at times, full of pain and disappointments and broken dreams. It had also been incredible rich, full of love and many happy memories. Although she had had many doubts about her marriage over the years, she had always thought that staying with Jack had been the right decision. They had been happy for a while, even though a part of her had not been able to let go of what could have been. She had loved Jack and she always thought he had loved her, too. Had it all been a lie? 

She was aware that Jack had not always been faithful to her, that he had enjoyed female company during those months and years he had not lived with them. It was something she had learned to accept and much later, years after she had filed for legal separation, she had found ways to have her needs taken care of as well. It had never been more than that for her, a couple of friends she had met occasionally to have a good time, no strings attached. 

What she could not come to terms with was the fact that his cheating went back a lot further than she had thought. It made her question everything, made her wonder if it had only been Amanda or if there had been others. She certainly had not noticed at the time. Not until much later when it had become easier to pretend she did not care.

Andy tightened his hold on her slightly, his lips softly caressing her cheek. “We did what we thought was right. What would’ve been the alternative? We would’ve gotten divorced, moved in together and lived happily ever after? You know it wouldn’t have worked that way. You still loved Jack, I loved Amanda, and there were the kids to think about. The guilt over ripping your family apart would have killed you. And then what? You think being with you would’ve kept me from the bottle? As much as I’d like to believe that, we both know that’s naïve. I was well on the way to becoming an addict even back then. I would’ve ended up disappointing you, too.” He paused for a moment, letting her think about his words while he buried his nose in her hair, inhaling her sweet scent. 

“I thought about telling you about Jack and Amanda and I almost did so many times. In my bourbon-addled brain I saw you throwing yourself into my arms in your despair, and then we would walk off into the sunset together, but I had enough sense left to realize that it was a stupid fantasy and that you would probably not thank me for destroying your marriage like that. Thing is, he went home to you and for a while you were happy. He did love you, Sharon. That was not a lie.”

She felt him shrug behind her and she hummed her agreement. Yes, there had been good years. For a while Jack had been a wonderful husband and father and as much as she hurt at that moment, she would never want to wish those memories away. There was one thing in all of this that she did regret, something she had not understood until today. “That’s why you transferred from Hollywood Division over to Robbery-Homicide, isn’t it?” 

That, more than anything, had hurt and confused her about that time. They had been so close, had enjoyed working together and suddenly all that had been over. Andy had taken some time off immediately following that night and then their superior had let her know that she would get a new partner. There had been no explanation, no goodbye, and it had left her with burning questions and painful longing for the man who had managed to steal a part of her heart.

She had tried calling him and she had tried calling Amanda, but neither one of them had answered. At some point, she had been frustrated enough to find Andy at work and confront him about this sudden change. His attitude had been less than pleasant as he told her in no uncertain terms that, if she was so damn eager to make her marriage work, then it would be better they didn’t see each other anymore.

When she had attempted to convince him that they should not have to sacrifice their friendship because of one moment of weakness, he had snapped. His words had stayed with her over the years and it had taken a long time for her to move past the hurt and anger they had caused. He had essentially accused her of having led him on, only to turn him away once he had reacted to the signals she sent him. He had told her that he was tired of playing her games and that he was no longer interested in being her partner or friend or whatever he had been to her. 

With tears in her eyes, she had walked away, closing the door on the closest friendship she had ever had and trying to convince herself that whatever she thought she had felt that night had been nothing more than a reaction to sleep deprivation and a bad case. 

Jack had never asked why they never went out together anymore, which made sense now that she knew what he had been up to, and after a while Emily had stopped nagging her about wanting to play with Charlie. She had always envied her daughter the ability to replace her best friend so easily and to forget how bitterly she had cried when Sharon had told her that she could not visit him anymore. Now those two were complete strangers to one another, blissfully unaware of having been almost inseparable for the first three years of their lives

Andy turned her around and, cupping her face between his hands, his thumbs brushed over her cheeks, gently wiping away her tears before he tugged a few wayward strands of hair behind her ear. His eyes were suspiciously bright as he stared into hers, his voice thick with emotions. 

“I had to leave. The thought of seeing you every day, of playing happy family with all of you, pretending nothing was wrong – I just couldn’t do it. Hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do, but I couldn’t think of another way to keep you safe. I thought if I could stay away from you, I wouldn’t say anything stupid and I wouldn’t be tempted to kiss you again and if it kept Jack and Amanda apart, even better. I thought I could give you a chance to be happy and I’m not sorry about that. I am sorry that it didn’t work out in the end and that I hurt you, though.”

Sharon was torn between wanting to hit him and wanting to kiss him. What he had done was such a typical Andy thing to do. She wanted to be angry with him for making that kind of decision for her, for trying to protect her when she was perfectly capable of doing that herself, but how could she, when he was right about so many things? 

Over the years, she had given Jack one chance after the other, despite his drinking and gambling, despite all the lies and all the women, despite his long absences and the many forgotten birthdays and anniversaries. She had truly loved him and it was unlikely that she would have given up on him back then if Andy had told her about the affair. She would have tried, mostly because of the children, but it would have destroyed a significant part of her and taken those few happy years from them. 

Blaming Andy for the way things had turned out would be wrong, because there was no one to blame. Both their marriages had been heading towards disaster even before he had discovered what their spouses had tried to hide. Living with a police officer was not easy, and it took a lot of strength and commitment to make a relationship like that work. All four of them were guilty of not seeing those problems, of not facing them. Amanda’s and Jack’s affair was one result, with Nicole as an unforeseen but ultimately welcome complication. The fact that she had fallen in love with her partner had been another, and Sharon was realistic enough to know that, had they continued to work together, that line would have been crossed eventually. 

She could blame Jack for being unfaithful to her, but what was the point of that after all those years? Their marriage was in the past and it had not fallen apart because of that one incident. Many factors had played into that and not all of them had been his fault. She would need time to come to terms with what she had learned tonight, most of all with the knowledge that her children had a half-sister, but she would not allow the past to cast a shadow upon their future.

“So, what happens now?” she whispered, letting one of her hands trace random patterns across his chest, while the other rested against his hip. Her eyes followed her fingers as they wandered over his dark blue button-down, only briefly flicking up to get a glimpse at his face. 

“I don’t know,” he rasped, his lips moving against her forehead. “What does this really change? I know that it’s a lot for you to take in right now, but does it change how you feel about this?” There was apprehension in his gaze, despite the confidence his words implied. 

Laying one hand against his cheek, she shook her head. “Of course not, Andy,” she reassured him. “I will need to work through this and that’s going to take some time, but it does not change how I feel about you. We have been dancing around this for almost thirty years, if not longer and I can’t remember a time when I did not love you. I may not always have liked you very much, but when I walked away from you all those years ago, I left a large part of my heart behind. I am tired of denying that. I want us to discover what we missed back then.” 

She did not wait for his answer, knowing it would take a while for him to get over his surprise. Sliding her hand into the short hair at the back of his head, she rose onto the balls of her feet and placed a tender, lingering kiss against his mouth. For a few seconds, he was completely still against her, wide-eyed and breathless and she wanted to laugh at the unexpected pleasure of rendering him speechless for once. Instead, she brushed her tongue over his lips, playfully nipping at his lower lip and pulling it into her mouth until he moaned.

That was all it took to shake him out of his stupor and he buried one hand in her thick curls, the other wrapping around her waist to pull her against him as he allowed her to deepen their kiss. In that moment, with their tongues engaging in a heated duel, it was all back. It felt as if no time at all had passed and they were back in that dark street, surrounded by the burning flames of passion and the glowing embers of longing. Only this time it was not tinged with grief and guilt and darkness. Those feelings were still there, lingering remains of their earlier conversation, but they were merely an echo of the past. They no longer held any power over them.

No matter how she looked at it, she could not see their lives playing out any other way. They had done their best and maybe it had not all been good enough, but it had brought them to this point. The more she thought about it, the more she was convinced that they had needed to travel on separate paths for a while in order to arrive at this particular crossroads. Their journey had shaped the people they were today and it had made it possible for them to move forward together. If they were lucky, they would get to complete the journey hand in hand, as friends, as partners, and as lovers.

 

**~~MC~~**


End file.
